I have spent most of my life worrying about things. Things that don't matter. I like to be organized, on top of things, and prepared for any situation. Control is a word that comes to mind when I think of this. Weather it be intended or not, a person struggles to remain in control when planning. Now this goes to say that I do not feel that I am a controlling person, but I do feel the need to be in control of my own life.
I have a hard time letting things go. Trusting that things will work out the way that they were intended to. Giving everything completely over to God instead of holding on to a little corner. Just in case he can't handle it all and he needs my help sorting out my life. Just in case he doesn't do what I feel he should have done, I can take back control and fix it myself. How ridiculous does that sound??? Out loud it sounds insane. He's God!!! He can do anything. But in my head, in my life, and in my heart, this is still my struggle. This has been my life lesson for the last year or so. I am well aware of my struggle. Applying it to everyday life is easier said than done. After years of living life in this fashion, it's hard to just train yourself to think differently. It's much like a bad habit that needs to be broken, but muscle memory will cause you to go back to that habit if you don't constantly keep yourself in check. This is something that I will have to keep working on day in and day out. Finally there will come a breaking point. A point where muscle memory will no longer be a factor, and I will automatically turn to God. This is the biggest life lesson I have learned so far in my 25 years. I hope to keep learning lessons like these, it makes me a better person, a better wife, and a better friend.
I am reminded of when Brandon and I were trying to get pregnant. 2 Years of trying, infertility drugs, and a major surgery. Still no baby. We wanted to be parents. Brandon seemed fine letting the chips fall as they may. Even though he wanted to be a father, this clearly was not his struggle. It was mine. I would lay in bed at night and dream about the day when we would hold our first child. The doctor's had done all that they could. Nothing was wrong with either of us. It just was not our time yet. I could not understand. I felt frustrated. Asking God why he felt that I didn't deserve to be a mother. This however, was not the reason that we were still childless. The reason was simple. God knows best. His timing is perfect. Telling yourself that and actually believing that are two different things. At the time I don't think I really believed it. But I sure did go through the motions. Trying to trick God into thinking that I was really giving up my control and giving him the whole issue. When in fact I held on tighter. Thank God for his Grace right.
We visited another infertility clinic. They said that there was nothing they could do to help. We were scheduled to move to Japan in a few months and they needed more time to be able to do anything. There are no infertility clinics in Japan. We would be childless until we came back to the states 3 years later. I was heartbroken. Brandon was angry that they could do nothing. On the drive home we decided to give it a rest. Really just let things happen the way they were supposed to. No more doctors and no more medication. We would be happy because we had each other, and if God blessed us with a baby that would be great. But if he didn't, we would just have to let it go. I immediately felt lighter. Did I really just give it over to God? Really? I had wanted to for so long, and just never knew how. Huh. It feels good not to worry about it anymore. Brandon and I went to dinner that night and not once did we talk about having a baby. We truly enjoyed each other. Enjoyed our date night. Enjoyed being married.
The next morning during my quiet time reading my bible, I ran across something profound. Brandon was at work. I had the whole house to myself. I sat and read as I sipped my cup of tea. There it was in black and white, and in plain text right in front of my eyes. The story of Hannah. I did not seek out this story. I had simply turned to it and started reading. Hannah is someone that I can relate to. She wanted a child so badly, and for 7 years she waited sad and bitter. One night she prayed that if God would bless her with a son, she would give him back to God. Dedicating him to the Lord for the rest of his lifetime. After she prayed she no longer felt sad and bitter. She knew God could handle her request. To make a long story short, God did bless her with a son, and she went on to have more children after that. I was amazed at what God had shown me that morning. God knew my heart and he knew what I needed at that moment. I read the story over an over again. I prayed to God about what I had discovered. I went about the rest of my day not thinking about it anymore. I felt at peace and relaxed for the first time in a long time. The next day I got pregnant. We didn't find out for a few weeks later of course. But I still find it amazing that I didn't get pregnant until I truly let God take control. His timing really is perfect.
I hadn't thought about this again until today. I was flipping through my bible and found Hannah's story dogeared. I am so thankful for the little miracle growing in my belly. I am still working on giving everything to God. It's work, but so worth it in the end. I hope that everyone can learn a lesson so valuable. It makes life so much more joyous to live. I wanted to share my story because I wish that someone would have shared something like this with me while I was struggling. It makes it easier if you know that you are not the only one going through it. Maybe my struggle can help someone else. Isn't that what loving Jesus is all about? Loving others too.
This is me showing my love today.
I have a hard time letting things go. Trusting that things will work out the way that they were intended to. Giving everything completely over to God instead of holding on to a little corner. Just in case he can't handle it all and he needs my help sorting out my life. Just in case he doesn't do what I feel he should have done, I can take back control and fix it myself. How ridiculous does that sound??? Out loud it sounds insane. He's God!!! He can do anything. But in my head, in my life, and in my heart, this is still my struggle. This has been my life lesson for the last year or so. I am well aware of my struggle. Applying it to everyday life is easier said than done. After years of living life in this fashion, it's hard to just train yourself to think differently. It's much like a bad habit that needs to be broken, but muscle memory will cause you to go back to that habit if you don't constantly keep yourself in check. This is something that I will have to keep working on day in and day out. Finally there will come a breaking point. A point where muscle memory will no longer be a factor, and I will automatically turn to God. This is the biggest life lesson I have learned so far in my 25 years. I hope to keep learning lessons like these, it makes me a better person, a better wife, and a better friend.
I am reminded of when Brandon and I were trying to get pregnant. 2 Years of trying, infertility drugs, and a major surgery. Still no baby. We wanted to be parents. Brandon seemed fine letting the chips fall as they may. Even though he wanted to be a father, this clearly was not his struggle. It was mine. I would lay in bed at night and dream about the day when we would hold our first child. The doctor's had done all that they could. Nothing was wrong with either of us. It just was not our time yet. I could not understand. I felt frustrated. Asking God why he felt that I didn't deserve to be a mother. This however, was not the reason that we were still childless. The reason was simple. God knows best. His timing is perfect. Telling yourself that and actually believing that are two different things. At the time I don't think I really believed it. But I sure did go through the motions. Trying to trick God into thinking that I was really giving up my control and giving him the whole issue. When in fact I held on tighter. Thank God for his Grace right.
We visited another infertility clinic. They said that there was nothing they could do to help. We were scheduled to move to Japan in a few months and they needed more time to be able to do anything. There are no infertility clinics in Japan. We would be childless until we came back to the states 3 years later. I was heartbroken. Brandon was angry that they could do nothing. On the drive home we decided to give it a rest. Really just let things happen the way they were supposed to. No more doctors and no more medication. We would be happy because we had each other, and if God blessed us with a baby that would be great. But if he didn't, we would just have to let it go. I immediately felt lighter. Did I really just give it over to God? Really? I had wanted to for so long, and just never knew how. Huh. It feels good not to worry about it anymore. Brandon and I went to dinner that night and not once did we talk about having a baby. We truly enjoyed each other. Enjoyed our date night. Enjoyed being married.
The next morning during my quiet time reading my bible, I ran across something profound. Brandon was at work. I had the whole house to myself. I sat and read as I sipped my cup of tea. There it was in black and white, and in plain text right in front of my eyes. The story of Hannah. I did not seek out this story. I had simply turned to it and started reading. Hannah is someone that I can relate to. She wanted a child so badly, and for 7 years she waited sad and bitter. One night she prayed that if God would bless her with a son, she would give him back to God. Dedicating him to the Lord for the rest of his lifetime. After she prayed she no longer felt sad and bitter. She knew God could handle her request. To make a long story short, God did bless her with a son, and she went on to have more children after that. I was amazed at what God had shown me that morning. God knew my heart and he knew what I needed at that moment. I read the story over an over again. I prayed to God about what I had discovered. I went about the rest of my day not thinking about it anymore. I felt at peace and relaxed for the first time in a long time. The next day I got pregnant. We didn't find out for a few weeks later of course. But I still find it amazing that I didn't get pregnant until I truly let God take control. His timing really is perfect.
I hadn't thought about this again until today. I was flipping through my bible and found Hannah's story dogeared. I am so thankful for the little miracle growing in my belly. I am still working on giving everything to God. It's work, but so worth it in the end. I hope that everyone can learn a lesson so valuable. It makes life so much more joyous to live. I wanted to share my story because I wish that someone would have shared something like this with me while I was struggling. It makes it easier if you know that you are not the only one going through it. Maybe my struggle can help someone else. Isn't that what loving Jesus is all about? Loving others too.
This is me showing my love today.
3 comments:
Thank you for sharing your story. I do pray it helps someone else. I had a similar experience although I didn't go through the heartbreak for as long as you did and didn't have to go through all of the testing, but it was still a very difficult time in my life. Like you, when I gave it over to God, we found out we were expecting the child God had promised me. :) And he has been the greatest of blessing to me for 21 years!
What a great testimony. God is so good. Sometimes the hurdles are sure hard but in the end his goodness always shines through.
Thanks for the post. It's a very good reminder and encouraging. I am the same way. I think I'm giving things over to God but I seem to be worried about it at the same time.
I'm very excited for you to get to enjoy your little Jackson! Just remember, the trusting God needs to continue as there are struggles once the baby comes into your arms! Don't worry about the small stuff...such as whether they are eating too little, too much or sleeping properly or advancing perfectly. God will provide and come through in all of these areas.
This was such a great reflection to read. I am so glad that you shared that. It is a very encouraging thing to read, and it brings tears to my eyes to see how God has taught you so much and teachable you have been. Isn't God so good?
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